Scientists baffled over evidence of first spineless, upright humanoid species

BALTIMORE (Capitol Hill Underground) – Scientists from Johns Hopkins University released a ground breaking report Monday supporting evidence of a new, spineless humanoid species. Patient zero, or as they’re referring to him, T. Cruz, first came onto their radar back in 2016 when they caught the creature performing moral gymnastics the likes which haven’t been seen before, much less recorded.

As of today, these humanoids seem to be contained in and around the greater DC area, with a majority of their population sheltering in congress. Despite lacking a spine, these creatures are extremely mobile and said to be highly hypocritical.

When we asked their team why they think these creatures are congregating in the DC area, they replied, “well, quite simply, the conditions there are perfect for this new sub human species. They seem to be drawn to reporters like a pig to shit. It’s really quite astounding.”

“When you’re on the cusp of discovering something this monumental you want to get it exactly right. We had ample evidence supporting our hypothesis but we still needed our golden egg. That’s when Patient Zero shocked us all. The creature not only defended, but campaigned and ass-kissed the creature who insulted his wife and family only mere months before. I’ll never forget that day,” a teary eyed Dr. Metsger recounted.

If you happen to see one of these spineless creatures walking around, do not panic. Simply report to your nearest polling station in 2022.

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