Democratic Presidential Primary Thickens as Benjamin Wyatt Joins Race

PAWNEE (Capitol Hill Underground) — Sir Benjamin Wyatt, a congressman from Indiana, shocked supporters Wednesday announcing his plan to throw his hat into the already crowded Democratic field. Political pundits who have tracked his career thus far assumed his wife, Leslie Knope, would join the presidential race first. Sources close to the couple told us that she is ‘happy’ at her current position in the Department of the Interior and has ‘butt loads of more work to get done before she even thinks about leaving.’

Wyatt first jumped onto the political radar in Partridge, Minnesota where, at 18, he became the youngest Mayor elected. According to Wyatt, he ran on and won because of, “an anti-establishment voter rebellion.” Unfortunately, his victory was short lived. Just two months into his term he was impeached from office after funneling a majority of his town’s funds into the development of a winter sports complex infamously labeled, Ice Town. Ultimately this endeavor bankrupted the town, caused unemployment rates to surge to 30% and forced Ben to scamper out of the political spotlight and into obscurity.

Wyatt took this tragic economic snafu as a wake up call and vowed never to make that mistake again. He attended Carleton College where he obtained a degree in Accounting and hosted – ‘Zoot Suit Wyatt’ – a highly unpopular college radio show which centered on ‘all things swing’.

After college, Wyatt became a state auditor of Indiana responsible for looking into bankrupt towns budgets and helping them get out of the red. Those closest with him told us this was some sort of nerdy attempt to balance the scales and make up for his Ice Town meltdown. Wyatt resigned from his job after a romantic affair between him and a fellow government employee (Leslie Knope) became public. Wyatt contemplated joining the private sector but ultimately decided to jump into the cutthroat world of political campaigning. He went on to manage many campaigns – the first being that of Leslie Knope’s – now his wife- bid for Pawnee City Council.

Will this fiscal conservative be able to sway an ever progressing Democratic base? Only time will tell. In the meantime, get to know the candidate a little better below:

Get to know Wyatt

  • Favorite Food: Calzones (just a fancy ‘Hot Pocket’ really)
  • Favorite Genre: Sci-fi
  • What is he currently watching?: “Rewatching ‘Game of Thrones’ looking for plot holes.”
  • Hobbies: Creating stop-motion films & Break-Even Analysis Tables.
  • Guilty Pleasure: Wearing his movie-quality Batman Suit.
  • Fun Fact: He invented the board game ‘The Cones of Dunshire’ whilst on a brief, yet eye-opening, sabbatical.

Wyatt is currently polling at a less than impressive 1% fighting it out in the trenches with the likes of Gillibrand, Yang, Castro and Klobuchar.

Did Eric Swalwell drop out because of Wyatt? Probably not but who can say for sure? Certainly not us.

181 Shares

Be the first to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.


*