House Speaker Paul Ryan to Receive First Human Spine Transplant

WASHINGTON — After months of living with excruciating pain, unsalvageable morals, and pure hypocrisy House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis) has decided enough is enough. Ryan and his family have decided the congressman will undergo the highly controversial and dangerous operation following the 2020 election.

Despite staying decidedly anti-Trump during the primaries and withholding his endorsement of the POTUS far longer than any of the other yellow bellied chameleons lounging in congress, Ryan eventually succumbed to the wishes of his constituents, donors, and fellow party members who sought party unity over country sanity.

Close friends of Ryan thought that the leaked tapes with good ol’ Billy Bush bragging about “grabbing women by the pussy” was the last straw… Little did they know Walmart was having a two for one special, commonly referred to as BOGO, for straws and this shit was just getting started.

Paul Ryan getting swoll
Paul Ryan getting swoll

As a leader of the Republican party – a party built on traditional family values – Ryan really struggled with his role in the new administration.That is, until he realized how much power he wielded and how easy it would be to ride the waves of populism back into office. Staffers report Ryan could be heard in the gym yelling, “fuck it!”

Doctors from the University of Nevada, Reno are bewildered to say the least.  “We”ve never seen a case like this before, the spine seems to have vanished entirely from the subjects skeletal system. The most surprising, and quite frankly impressive,  aspect of the disability is that the 6’1″ congressman has been able to stay upright for this long.”

Dr. Hank Mardukis commented on the condition saying, “usually in situations like this we see the patient crumble to the floor like a ball of cookie dough immediately following the removal of the spine. This is virtually unprecedented.”

If the surgery is a success numerous other congressman have expressed interest in the operation including Chris Christie, Ted Cruz (R-TX), and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY).

Edit: If Trump is able to win a second term in office and avoids impeachment in the process then Ryan will delay the surgery until 2024.



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